Last updated on February 27, 2026
Note To Our Readers: This blog post goes along with a series we developed for women experiencing the painful side effects that often come with hormonal imbalances as we age.
For those of you reading this without having read those emails, I’ll give you a little refresher.
For those of you who came here from those emails, you can skip down to the exercises portion of this blog post.
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Have you ever heard of The sexual response cycle?
It’s a real thing and was first developed by William Masters and Virginia Johnson during the 1960’s. Then in the early 2000’s a Canadian researcher named Rosemary Bassson made significant contributions to the understanding of sexual response, particularly in the context of women’s sexual health.
The original Sexual Response Cycle is traditionally divided into four phases: Desire, Arousal, Orgasm, and Resolution. Basson’s model emphasizes the circular and more complex nature of female sexual response, which incorporates emotional intimacy, sexual stimuli, and relationship satisfaction. Her model suggests that sexual arousal often starts not from spontaneous desire but from a willingness to be receptive to sexual intimacy.
Spontaneous Sex Drive Vs. Responsive Sex Drive
Thank God for Rosemary Basson! If I had a dollar for every female client who has sat across from me in tears because the world tells her that she’s broken because she has a lower sex drive than her partner, I’d be retired and living on an island somewhere. If you are suffering from a decreased libido, first and foremost, the thing you need to know is that you absolutely are NOT broken.
Note: I’m absolutely aware that hormonal imbalances among other things can biologically impact your sex drive and I’ll be addressing that in my next email.
Spontaneous Sex Drive: Spontaneous sex drive refers to sexual desire that arises without any external stimulus or apparent cause. It is characterized by a sudden and direct urge to engage in sexual activities. It’s the primary way that sex is depicted in all of pop culture including movies, TV shows, literature and songs. Historically, we’ve all been taught that a spontaneous sex drive is the only healthy and “normal” type of sex drive. If you have a spontaneous sex drive, I tip my hat to you in envy. Consider yourself one of the lucky ones!
Responsive Sex Drive: Responsive sex drive, on the other hand, emerges as a reaction to sexual or romantic stimuli. It is not present as an initial urge but develops in response to situational and relational dynamics that are sexually or emotionally stimulating. Rosemary Basson’s model of sexual response highlights this type of sex drive, suggesting that for many, especially women, sexual desire is not the starting point but a product of intimacy, emotional connection, and physical stimulation. This means that individuals with a primarily responsive sex drive may not often experience spontaneous sexual cravings but will find that their desire emerges following appealing sexual or intimate connections.
Spontaneous sexual desire isn’t essential for arousal or a satisfying sexual experience. Responsive sexual desire can be just as powerful. This type of desire manifests when an individual is open to sexual activity despite not initially feeling desire or arousal. Given the right sexual stimulation and the preferred environment, a person can transition from a neutral state to experiencing arousal and desire.
Understanding The Sexual Response Cycle
There are 5 steps in Bassson’s Sexual Response Cycle for women.
- Sexual Neutrality/Motivations: If you have a Responsive Sex drive, then the cycle assumes that you’re starting from a place of neutrality. This means you’re not actively thinking about sex.
- Emotional Intimacy: Emotional closeness and connection with a partner triggers a willingness or openness to engage in sexual activity.
- Sexual Stimuli: Physical or psychological stimuli leads to sexual arousal, where you become physically prepared for sexual activity.
- Sexual Desire: As arousal increases, a conscious desire for sexual activity emerges, often reinforcing the ongoing sexual interaction.
- Sexual Satisfaction: Following sexual activity, you experience satisfaction that reinforces the emotional bond, contributing to overall relationship satisfaction and potentially increasing future sexual desire and responsiveness.
Note: I feel like it’s important to note here that everyone is wired differently. Responsive desire could be activated anywhere within the cycle. The important thing is to know what activates your arousal.
Your Sexual Response Cycle might look more like this:
The point is this: Biological factors aside, it’s really important to understand what type of sex drive you have and how to navigate any misalignment with your partners.
Intimacy Exploration Exercise – Responsive Sex Drive
If you have a responsive sex drive, exploring and understanding what helps you get in the mood is crucial for both you and your partners to enjoy a fulfilling sexual relationship. Here’s a structured process to guide you through this exploration:
Step 1: Open and Safe Communication
Schedule a Comfortable Time to Talk: Choose a relaxed, private time to discuss your sexual desires and preferences without distractions.
Foster a Non-Judgmental Atmosphere: Emphasize openness and acceptance, ensuring that everyone in the conversation feels safe to express their thoughts and feelings.
Step 2: Reflect Individually – What Are You Into?
Personal Reflection: The partner with a responsive sex drive will likely need to take some time to reflect on past experiences to identify what factors, situations, or actions have previously helped them feel more open to and interested in sex.
If you could appreciate something to get you started, click this link and download this simple checklist that we created to help you get started. (No email or opt-in required.)
Checklist for Identifying Arousal Triggers in Responsive Sex Drive
Journaling: Writing down your thoughts and observations can help clarify which conditions or actions contribute to a more receptive sexual mood.
Discuss Discoveries: Share your findings from the reflection phase with each other. The partner with a responsive sex drive can describe the types of touch, emotional connections, contexts, or fantasies that they find arousing.
Be Specific: Provide detailed descriptions of the settings, actions, and types of communication that enhance sexual receptivity.
Step 4: Plan Experiments
Create a List of Things to Try: Based on the shared insights, jointly compile a list of activities, settings, or types of foreplay to experiment with.
Schedule Experiment Sessions: Plan specific times to explore these identified preferences without the pressure of sex being the end goal.
Step 5: Experiment and Explore
Try New Experiences: Engage in the activities or settings that you have identified as potentially helpful. This could range from romantic date nights to specific types of foreplay or communication.
Maintain an Open Mind: Ideally, both partners will be open to trying new things and possibly stepping out of their comfort zones.
Step 6: Feedback and Adjustment
Provide Immediate Feedback: After each experiment, it’s beneficial for the responsive partner to share what they enjoyed or what could be improved.
Adjust and Refine: Use the feedback to tweak future experiments, focusing more on what worked well.
Step 7: Incorporate Successful Elements
Build on Success: Integrate the elements that were found to be most helpful into your regular intimate and sexual interactions.
Continue to Evolve: Recognize that preferences and responses can change over time, and be willing to adapt and explore new things as your relationship grows.
Step 8: Regular Check-ins
Schedule Regular Discussions: Regularly revisit the conversation to discuss any new discoveries, changes in desire, or adjustments that might need to be made.
Celebrate Progress: Acknowledge the efforts all partners are making to enhance their sexual relationship and celebrate the successes along the way.
Step 9: Seek Professional Guidance if Needed
Consider Sex Therapy: If navigating this exploration becomes challenging, consider seeking the help of a sex therapist who can provide personalized strategies and support.
This process emphasizes communication, experimentation, feedback, and adjustment, allowing you and your partners to explore and understand the responsive partner’s needs in a supportive and loving way.
Recommended Resources:
These are my top recommendations on the topic of sexual intimacy for couples:
Book – Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life
By Vanessa & Xander Marin
This is my top recommendation for partners who are navigating their sex lives together. It’s transformative, insightful, and a fun read. Vanessa is a sex therapist and she wrote the book in tandem with her husband, Xander. If you get the Audible version, you’ll get to hear them both narrate the book.
They also have an excellent podcast called “Pillow Talk”.
You can download their checklist of sexual interest exploration for free.
Book – Come As You Are
By Emily Nagoski, PHD
I often refer to this as THE women’s sex bible. In my opinion, anyone who is a woman, or who wants to have sex with a woman should absolutely read this book.
